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April 25th, 2004

11:24 pm - Can I get my life in some sort of order?? PLEASE!!!!!!! Damit! I feel like I'm spinning out of control! I should be doing econ right now, but unfortunately, I am sitting here at my computer fixing my AIM profile and looking shit up on the internet. Hello!?!? Can we say procrastinator?? Anyway, I have to much crap to do in the next three nights. So much in fact that I don't think I'm going to be able to go to the Cabaret tomorrow. That makes me so angry because it's the last one I will ever see. Grrrr. Anger. About 2 hours ago, I had a great outlook on life. Maybe it was the abundant amount of cashews or m&m's I just ate. Control. Control. Control! Good Lord! Why can't I have just one ounce of disapline! Damit! Anyway, maybe I should just go to sleep and put myself out of my misery for the night. That actually sounds like a good plan. Maybe later on in the week I'll actually have time to write something substantial about my life. I have lots to talk about. I really do. It's just all way too jumbled up in my head right now. Tomorrow: Tap Mass Comm History Ballet A Ballet B Econ HW Study Formal Video Tap HW HW HW HW HW HW!!!!!!! Ugh. Night. Current Mood: stressed, worried, annoyed.... Current Music: Silence....my head hurts.....

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April 20th, 2004

11:31 pm - NYC! I LOVE that city SO much! My flight leaves tomorrow. Radio City here I come! Let's just hope that they need girls my height. If not, well then I'm outta luck. But if they do well then fabulous! So everyone think really good thoughts for me! "I wanna be a Rockette....." (My theme song) But what is meant to be is meant to be and everything happens for a reason. That's a concept that I have gotten to know quite well recently. And to go right along with that, every thing, every emotion that you feel means something. So listen to it. Don't dismiss an emotion because you don't think it's logical or "right". Allow your heart to feel a certain way and if you feel like you should, follow it. If you follow your heart. TRULY follow your heart. (Not just spur of the moment feelings) You can never regret a decision. So basically, I am listening to what my heart has to say for once. And it makes me really happy. Really nervous and scared at the same time, but it's more based on excitement than fear. This is reality. This is my life. I am starting my LIFE! There's no more planning, preparing, or having people tell me what it's going to be like. I'm going to go live it. Or at least try to. And if it kills me, I will be successful at it. I know that I can do this. I have the passion and I work my butt off to have the talent. And will continue to work. That's something that I feel very strongly about. As an artist, I will continue to absorb, learn, accept, and use every bit of training, information, and guidance that comes my way. That is how I grow as a person. I just can't wait for this summer. So many opportunities for life to present me with. And although cliche and overused, this is the beginning of the rest of my life. Wow. That is fantastic. **Think good thoughts for me over the next few days! My attitude towards it is..."They want me! They just don't know it yet! And whether they want me in 3 days or 3 years, they WANT me!" Current Mood: excited Current Music: TV

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April 9th, 2004

11:40 pm - Me time..... Sometimes I love just being in my room, by myself, with no human contact for like 6 hours. It's very relaxing. A little loner-ish, but every once in a while I need that. Anyway, I've been productive. I did laundry, dusted, started to research my history project, worked on formal video stuff, made chicken, started packing for tour, talked on the phone, watched tv, and RELAXED! (PS: Kristin Chenoweth was on a Frasier re-run tonight. Yay.) So then, I am afraid it's time to be boring and go to bed. I'm not really in the mood to elaborate on my life. I need to lose about 6 lbs in a week and a half. Any ideas? G'night y'all! *I want to be a Rockette.....REALLY bad!* Current Mood: mellow Current Music: TV ~ "Dharma & Greg"

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April 7th, 2004

01:54 am - Why not?? So it's like 2am....why am I still up? But then, why not? I had a very fun evening filled with good friends, food, pictures, and downloading a new AIM wallpaper thingy! (Yes I am a computer nerd) Anyway, it was great. Everybody send happy thoughts Jenny's way. She needs them! But she's doing better. And hopefully much better tomorrow! Thank you so much Traci for helping me out with composite stuff tonight and tomorrow. You're a lifesaver! Really. My life is so so so crazy right now! (Screaming and pulling hair out) But it's all for a good cause and I'm having so much fun! (Smiling) So anyway, I think I'm gonna get some sleep....finally. Considering I have tap in 7 hours. Yahoo! G'night all! *Sweet Dreams* Current Mood: delerious Current Music: Silence

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April 3rd, 2004

11:29 pm - Grrrrrrrrr. I'm FRUSTRATED. That is all. I'm going to bed now. G'night. Current Mood: annoyed Current Music: SNL

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April 1st, 2004

09:47 pm - I changed my picture!!! I love shoes!!! So....I'm sitting here waiting for my big to get back from Arby's so that she can go with me to Walmart so that I can get food to last me through this INSANE weekend I have ahead of me! Today was a pretty easy day. Jazz, ballet test, econ, and that's it! No rehearsal! Yay! It's gonna be a long one tomorrow though. 8-12 and 1:30-9 probably....but Sing Sing Sing is F-U-N! I also have a Mass Comm test tomorrow that's going to be quite easy I think. Thank goodness. Let's see....random blurbs of happenings.... -Keenan called last night -I watched Marita fly a kite out my window -It's April Fools Day -Got to relax today. Finally. -Joe is sick....icky sicky. Feel better! -And I think that's it! Oh! I'm trying to eat better as of today. Would you believe that I got on the studio D scale today and weight about 5-7 lbs more that I did at last weigh in? I mean....wow. I need to get on that. And it's weird because I don't fluctuate in my weight very often. I've been pretty consistant since the year started in September. But oh well....what goes up can come down right? So the numbers will come back down. With the help of extra water bottles and less snacking. Yippee!! Well, I'm off to make my shopping list. Walmart, study, BED. Current Mood: sleepy Current Music: TV

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March 31st, 2004

03:26 pm - Afternoon Break My body hates me. I'm getting ready to go to rehearsal at the moment. At least it's a very uplifting dance...."He Lives In Me". I'm really excited to dance it. Yay. It's BEAUTIFUL outside today. I wish I had time to really enjoy it. But alas, I will be enjoying other things! Just in the past few days I have wanted to go home so badly. I want to hang out with my parents, go to NYC, be outside, see people who are special to me that I miss a lot, and just be done with school. I'm not gonna deal with the next month well....hopefully I'll make it just fine without another episode like I had last week. Cuz that was horrible. But! I know I have lots of support from every angle so it's ok. I really do miss home though. I miss being comfortable and not confused all the time. Sigh. And then I miss the city. GET ME THERE ASAP!!! Well, off to rehearsal! I'll leave you with a song. This world can get crazy These are troubled times I'd walk through fire if love is what I'd find It's out of my hands so I put my faith in you I say a little prayer and hope that it comes true Heaven help my heart 'Cause it's a lot like me Wondering when this all will end and I find the love I need I know it's out there somewhere Somehow I still believe I'm asking please Heaven help my heart Current Mood: drained Current Music: Heaven Help My Heart ~ Tina Arena

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March 28th, 2004

11:03 pm - My nails are done.....and I'm still not happy......weird..... Can I just say that this weekend never happened? It seriously didn't! WAY too busy. WAY too much drama. WAY too much internal mental analysis (otherwise known as overanalyzing). So...yeah. I'm really bogged down with so much stuff I have to do within the next month. Don't know how it's gonna happen. But time will pass as it always does.... So on Friday afternoon I got sick...scary sick...well...I had myself a little panic attack. Yeah. Never have one...please. God it was scary...thank goodness Joe didn't have any classes the rest of the day. He took me to the doctor at the request of the campus nurse. Yay for him. Speaking of Joe: Like him. Frustrating at times....most guys are...don't feel special :) We're on the same page (really good thing) Treats me really well....which reassures me that there are guys out there like him and that maybe one day I'll deserve and recieve that kind of respect from someone I truly love. That's a personal kinda....success? If you will? To think that way. But he's shown me the good side of men for the past few weeks. Like him. So, enough of that....tour rehearsals are going really well. I get to be in a lot of awesome numbers!! The only problem is, is that we have our first show in 10 days and I still have 4 numbers to completely learn and 2 more to block with new people in them. WOW! I'm anxious to see if we can all pull this one off....CRAZY!! It's fun though...and I'm having a blast being challenged by the people I'm dancing with and around and doubling for. The choreography and the dancers are really pushing me to do stuff that I've never done on stage before! Excited about that! Ha! Very excited! AND! I'm excited to get the hell out of this city for 6 days. Yay for Arkansas! Well, I will be leaving you with a quote that I got from a dear friend with lots of wisdom....and it desperately applies to my upcoming month of April.... "Procrastination is like masturbation....you're only screwing yourself." Good night everyone.....Sweet Dreams **"Fixing the problem is only have the battle....accepting that you caused it and dealing with that is the true obstacle"** ~That one's by me...I don't know where it came from. Current Mood: confused Current Music: My Favorite Playlist!!

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March 23rd, 2004

11:43 am - My life in a nutshell..... I haven't written in FOREVER! I feel this pink page is desperately behind! Spring break is officially over and school has started in full swing. Andrea and I had some FANTASTIC times over the past week! She came home with me to VA and we went up to NYC and braved the snow with no clothes whatsoever....it was SO cold! But an adventure nontheless. Anyway, then my sister had her show so I got to see her play one of my favorite roles ever; Rosie in "Bye Bye Birdie". I played it when I was around her age under the same director so it was like my little sister was following in my foot steps. She was so amazing and beautiful. Yay. And being around the show and everything, I got to see a lot of people I haven't seen in a long time. Like, two girls that I danced with when I was like 5-12 and Keenan's parents and just my sisters friends. It was fun. Oh! And my little sister of 14 kinda has a semi-boyfriend. His name is Adam. Way cute. He played Albert. Sigh...she's not allowed to be this old...cuz the older she gets, the older I get. Scary. Andrea and I took a ballet class at my old studio and I got to see Raynor, my dance teacher, and a bunch of girls that I miss a lot. And we went shopping like crazy! Loved it! I bought this absolutely fabulous pair of red stillettos. OMG!! They're beautiful. And I bought some clothes from H&M. Good times. Now for my life this week: I made domestic tour! Yay! I'm so excited about it! More about that at a later date. Right now I am wasting time writing in here when I should be finishing Econ. But as long as I e-mail it to her by midnight, it's ok. Hah! I'm such a procrastinatot. Oh! Spring Sing is tonight! Everyone should come watch. Friday @ 8pm in Petree. More procrastination: My thought process has been EVERYWHERE in the past couple weeks. I mean really! Can't I just be normal? I guessed being emotionally confused is normal for a 19 year old woman BUT! Sometimes I feel like it gets truly out of line. And it's so frustrating! Do other people feel this way or am I just really bad at dealing with not understanding things. Because let me tell ya, none of my emotions make sense to me. Constant battle between my heart and my head. I hope this doesn't continue for the rest of my life. I just might go insane if that happens. Well, I'm going to try to be productive. It's a beautiful day outside. I love this time of year. And we don't have to dance in ballet today. We have advisements. (This is when 60% of Ballet B will get a weight warning.) Joy! Anyway, I'm done caring about it. I pretty happy with what I look like right now so if they have a problem with it then they can KISS MY A**!! Haha! Have a great day everyone! 38 days till I go home! Can't wait! XOXO Current Mood: calm Current Music: Burn ~ Jo Dee Messina

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March 12th, 2004

12:37 am - Thank you..... I can be me. And you accept it. Current Mood: Lucky Current Music: Chariot ~ Gavin DeGraw

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March 11th, 2004

01:39 am - SO MUCH STUFF IN MY HEAD! tired sleepy bed dreams passion scared frightened aprehensive happy smiling joe wonderful comfort sweatpants tall jeans thegap shopping spring break newyork jeff 42nd street dreams passion scared relationships scars gabby beautiful confusing hard frustrated with myself walls thinking bad time understanding formula nonexistant dreams scared wish believe trust communicate eyes getting lost brown captivating soothing smiling heart head thoughts circles never ending stop signs driving sunglasses wind music broadway dreams passion entertaining career money fufillment happiness charlie brown pencil habits nails twirlinghair breaking hard frustrated dissapointed confused ballet why? hips hurt problem? doctors parents convince stubborn me breathing finally good happy smiling comfort scared Current Mood: blank Current Music: Wasn't It Good ~ Tina Arena

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March 8th, 2004

07:52 am - Beginning of LONG week..... First of all.....COME SEE THE SPRING SHOW THIS WEEKEND!! (Prefferably Thursday or Saturday night) Second.....a week from now I will be in NYC! Yay for that! I am SO excited!! And finally....it's a Monday kids. My least favorite day of the week. But I am dripping with a positive attitude this morning and I don't know why? Maybe it's because the sun is shining and it's clear blue skies. For some reason when the weather is like this, I just can't help smiling. "If I had a zillion dollars And the whole world on a string Diamonds in my pockets and the power of a king I don't think I'd be an happier than I am right now 'Cause money's only paper It might buy a lot of stuff But if money's what you're chasing You won't ever have enough 'Cause the best things in life Might not be free but they sure are cheap Like sunshine, blue skies and the river on a hot, hot day Moonlight and a good fight, standing out in the pouring rain So many things that money buys But really nothing I can find Like sunshine and love!" ~Jessica Andrews Well, time to get ready for tap class with Tiffany. Yay! Oh! And Happy Birthday to Erin Kruse. Have a great day everyone! XOXOXOXOXOXOXO Current Mood: good Current Music: Michael Buble

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March 5th, 2004

12:56 pm - End of a long week.....beginning of a long weekend. I need to do laundry. Maybe tonight? After I get home at 10. Yeah....that sounds good. So this week was pretty long....pretty ordinary. Tonight however, the real fun begins! I have ballet in a half hour (1:30) and I don't get done till 10. Yay for Too Darn Hot rehearsal for 4 hours. Woo Hoo! Actually I'm kinda excited. I do love that dance, and if I had to rehearse for 4 hours....I would definitely choose it over many other things. But! Then we have bows, etc, etc....so yeah. LONG evening. But worth it. Last night I saw "Songs For a New World" here at school. It was wonderful. The voices just stagger me. Fantastic. Then Joe and I went out for "chocolate things" at Chile's. YUM! Good times....I love talking to him....for hours....and he makes it so easy. Ha. Wow....smiling! Anyway, time to go to class and forget about the Mass Comm test I didn't do so hot on this morning. Psh....who needs academic classes anyway...? Have a good day everyone! The sun is out and it's a beautiful day! Current Mood: amused Current Music: Frank Sinatra ~ "Fly Me To The Moon"

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March 4th, 2004

12:07 am - Feels Good I DANCED TONIGHT. REALLY DANCED. And my soul lit up in that dark studio like it hasn't in a long time. My body just moved. Not because I told it to, but because it could and it wanted to. And I thank God for the ability to let myself go and experience such a feeling. There's nothing like DANCING with your heart. **Sweet Dreams** Current Mood: touched Current Music: Silence.....

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March 3rd, 2004

01:29 am - Sigh..... "Wait for the boy who pursues you, the one who can make an ordinary moment seem magical. Wait for the kind of boy who will bring out the best in you but will protect you in your weaknesses. Wait for the boy who will be your best friend first, the one who will drop everything to be with you at any time no matter what. Wait for the boy who makes you smile like no boy has before. Wait for the boy whose smile says he needs you. Wait for the boy who truly thinks you're gorgeous in sweats and without any make-up, but appreciates when you get all dolled up for him. Wait for the boy who wants to be your knight inshining armor and will treat you like the princess you are...that is a boy worth waiting for." Isn't that great?? I love Brian for giving that to me. In fact. I just love Brian. He is such a great friend to me and I can't wait to see what he does with his life. He is going to be a stable rock for his family one day and I can just see him being a husband and a father. There is a woman out there Brian who is going to be so lucky to grab ahold of you....haha. Really. I am so glad to be able to call you my friend. Best friend. Truly. So much respect and admiration. And by the way....I did think about it and will continue to as a go to sleep tonight. You give so much advice by the tone of your voice did you know that? You know me like a book. Ugh....I love it. Anyway....It was a happy night tonight. I watched "Under The Tuscan Sun" with Marita and Erin. SUCH A GOOD MOVIE. Every woman in the whole world needs to see it. Totally identified with it. There's no way not to. It puts into pictures every confusing emotion women have about life, men, love, heartache, joy, and personal fufillment. Great movie. Classic. Well it's off to bed. *Sweet Dreams* Current Mood: amused Current Music: My playlist.....best back-to-back music ever!

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March 2nd, 2004

03:13 pm - A Jumbled Mess For the first time in my life....I have thoughts, issues, and problems that I really don't feel like talking about. Is this normal? I think so. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm usually a "voice my problems and tell everyone about my life" type of girl....but now, it all seems too complicated yet too trivial to bother trying to make it make sense to other people. Hm. This is interesting. So here I sit, between ballet and company, with a million thoughts in my head and no where to start. So many possibilities, good and bad. So many emotions big and small. So much future, some too close and some too far away. But nevertheless, I must get dressed for rehearsal and and go do what I love. Because if I can put my faith and soul into my passion, maybe one day everything will come together and make sense. But what if it doesn't? What if I'm cursed to spend the rest of my life confused. What am I saying? Everyone's confused....it's how you deal with it. It's just one of those days where you can't see anything working out the way you want it too. Hope....that's what life is based on....not truth....because there's no way to completely figure out the whole truth to anything. And although that's a little sad and depressing, it leaves room opportunity. Current Mood: confused Current Music: "Georgia" ~ Carolyn Dawn Johnson

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February 29th, 2004

11:18 am - I'm up, i'm up, i'm up...... It was a late night last night. But totally well worth it. I had the best time partyin with the MT kids! Yup Yup! I woke up about an hour ago....but I really just kinda rolled out of bed now. Haha. I love mornings where you have nothing to do. Yay. Anyway, I think it's time to get somethin to eat. My tummy's a little icky after last night....hehe. Sigh....good times. **Sometimes unexpected things happen that just make you smile.....uncontrollably. WOW. Current Mood: giddy Current Music: "Goodbye Until Tomorrow" ~ TL5Y

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February 28th, 2004

11:54 am - My life never slows down! BUSY BUSY BUSY!!! That's the story of my life....past, present, and future. It's ok though. I like it that way! Last night I had Jerome Kurtenbach's recital that I learned the choreography for on WED! Doing things on short notice is always spontaneous and fun though! Tonight, I have Shane's recital. Yay for looking pretty and singing back-up with fellow tallies! Hehe! Love it! I GOT MY HAIR DONE TODAY!! YAY!! I love it! Kari always does such a good job. It's even blonder than it was before which is good....I didn't like the low-lights so much. So yeah! Now, I just have to work on Alpha Phi Composite stuff the rest of the day. Question: Why doesn't anyone call me back when I leave them messages? They know that the pictures are on Sunday. They've been told, e-mailed, imed, and called....but no one gets back to me! Do they think that their picture is just going to magically appear on the composite? Cuz I have news for them.....IT'S NOT!!! Grrr! Anger! Oh well....I will keep trying! Quote by me: "Closing the door to a chapter in your life doesn't mean it's over. It just means that you're ready to turn that next page and walk through the door to the unknown. Although it is scary to take that first step, it is a step of strength and independence. And it always leads you back to the most important place. Your heart." Current Mood: good Current Music: Vanessa Carlton ~ "Pretty Baby"

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February 24th, 2004

10:53 pm - It's been a roller coaster day...... The morning started out ok. Other than the fact that I pulled something in my hamstring this weekend....grrrrr. Sometimes being a dancer SUCKS! Anyway, it hurt all through classes.....jazz and ballet. And in ballet, I kept doing this thing to my ankle, which I don't quite understand. Kinda weird actually. But hopefully it was just being dumb cuz of the weather. I guess it's been a long time since I last wrote in here. This past week was CRAZY cuz of the show. Which was SO MUCH FUN! I have never been in a show with a group of people that I was more proud of and proud to be part of. Truly. I met so many awesome people and it makes me happy to see them on campus and know I can get a hug, smile, and maybe even a kiss if I'm lucky. Haha! But really....it was a stressful but GREAT week. Anyway, back to my day.....then I had company....Too Darn Hot. LOVE that dance. It's always a highlight of my day. It's like 8 minutes of pure bliss. Just does something to me ya know? Sigh.....fabulous! However, I didn't really feel hot today. I've been a little sicky lately and today had just a little bit of blah in it.....but someone took good care of that by the IM I got this afternoon. Ha. So after econ....(boring) I came home and cleaned and took a shower and then Joe came over and we watched some quality cartoons.....Family Guy is a good show. You have to watch it. But from what I understand....I was the sheltered one for never seeing it. But oh well! Not any more. I got 3 episodes under my belt! Haha. Okay! Time for sleep. What?? It's before midnight and I'm going to bed?? Amazing..... **SWEET DREAMS** Current Mood: content Current Music: Allison Kraus - Baby, Now That I Found You

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February 17th, 2004

02:26 am - Late Night #1 Well, would someone PLEASE tell me WHY I am still up at 2:26 AM?? I mean really.....(sorry LL). But....ugh! I am such a procrastinator! It was a late night anyway because of tech rehearsal for Merry Widdow, but then I got coffee, went to IHOP with some EXTREMELY fun people, acted like I was 5, and now I am up doing the Econ homework that I've put off for like 2 weeks. QUEEN OF PROCRASTINATION! YEAH! Update: I had a GREAT Valentines Day. Hope you all did too! Just lots of personal successes and some other stuff that I didn't really expect to happen....and even though that involved a little drama....it made me very happy! Yay! Merry Widdow is going really well. I have a blast in rehearsals for the most part. Just because I like being around those people. It's such a great break from my "dance" world. MT kids are sooo fun! Sigh....love them! Sometimes I wish I was one.....:-/ So anyway, here lies on of my best procrastination techiques. Writing in my journal. However, I think I've quit for the night. With a combonation of my fingers hurting from typing, my eyes burning and not staying open, and just being exahsted and in pain....I believe it is time for sleep. BUT! I am waking up at 7?? Yes 7....I think....to go to Walmart and run errands. This is of course if I don't push the snooze buttong 8 times and sleep till I have to get up for jazz....which is very very likely. We shall see! PS: I enjoy my life. And I enjoy what I'm doing with it....personally within myself and outwardly with my involvement with people and situations. I like the person that I'm in the process of becoming. And it is a process. It will be until the day I die. I know and accept the fact that I will never truly understand everything and therefore I will constantly be changing in how I view things and how I percieve people and the world. But there are some things about me that I am discovering will never change. Like my "sense of self" and my opinions on certain things. Not to mention a confidence that I am developing that is getting me through everything right now. I think that's the best thing about my life currently. My confidence in myself. Believing in yourself is SO important. Cuz once you do that....honey....ain't NO ONE gonna stop YOU!! (HUGE SIGH) WOW. What a great feeling! Sweet dreams everyone! Love you all! Phrase of the day: "Work in progress!" Current Mood: optimistic Current Music: Man Wanted ~Copacabana

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